If they're not handling our balls they're holding us by them

Maurice O'Brien • Published 28 Nov 2009 11:00 0 Comments

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THE poor old Irish thought they had this Europe business sussed. No more us and them. Referendum sorted. Hands across the sea all the way.

Certainly hands all right, but with Little Sarky smirking away from the front row of the Stade de France posh seats while the Hand of Sod ended Ireland's World Cup dream, hopes of any inter-governmental sympathy were already less than zero.

Biffo Cowen should have realised you always play by the big boys' rules. Wasn't it only last year that the Irish voted against the Constitreaty and were told they couldn't? Keep voting till you get it right, they were instructed.

FIFA isn't known as football's goverrning body for nothing. Much as they'd have loved seeing thousands of amiable Irish fans boosting the fortunes of South Africa's licensed tradesmen, this was politics and France's place, just like the 'yes' vote, was pre-destined.

Hours later in a backroom of Gaston's Greasy Spoon bistro, without a voter or hint of democracy in sight, the big boys carved up the top jobs made available by that Irish 'yes' vote. Clearly Little Sarky and Big Merky had tossed the ball about between them and decided this was the way to stay on top of the game.

The Irish had candidates just as anonymous as Rumpole of the Belgians and Quangocrat Cathy. But on a show of hands, it was no contest.

- EARLIER this month when those unflattering jogging pictures of Old Prudence appeared, I had a little bet with myself on what would come next.

Sure enough, within hours there was Boy Dave, quiff gelled in place, spotless trainers, looking leaner, fitter and, obviously, years younger than our lumbering PM.

Little surprise that they were subsequently caught trying to outdo each other in the cynicism stakes over the Armistice Day poppies sincere snap sham. But brace yourselves, there could be seven more months of this nonsense to come.

While one's fighting for his very political existence, the other apparently thinks a few dollops of PR spin will suffice and the General Election result's a foregone conclusion. But Dave had better wise up that it's nowhere near as clearcut as he thinks; there's an awful lot of people out here still far from convinced.

Then again, if pictures mean so much, let's see which of them looks most comfortable wired up to a lie-detector machine.

- FOR all their expensive universities, why do so many BBC reporters and news readers seem to think our doctors, dentists and hospitals are all part of something called the NA Chess?

This blog appeared in Reading Chronicle 26 Nov 09

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