Published: Thursday, 25th June, 2009 11:00am

Letting computers behind the wheel is asking for a crash

by Maurice O'Brien

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COMPUTERS and I are sworn enemies. Viruses seek me out. Those little icons round the screen are clearly demons.

The technology itself lies in wait until my stress levels are stretched to breaking point, before contriving to crash the whole shooting match in a manner both spiteful and vindictive.

The only reason I don"t hurl computers through windows as a matter of daily routine is because all that intricate wiring makes it too damned difficult to take a clear throw and, to be perfectly honest, I"m never quite sure whether, in order to inflict maximum vengeful pain, I should be attacking the monitor bit or the sinister box thingy.

Either way it"s utterly underwhelming to learn that Volvo, the company which makes cars with no "off" switch for the lights, has invented a computerised convoy. Up to 10 cars, travelling three feet apart at 70mph, would be locked on by sensors to a lead vehicle pre-programmed to steer them to their destination.

Where it goes, they go. The drivers in the convoy? Snoozing, reading a book, watching telly.

It must be true because it was in one of the Sunday papers which promised it will be 'rolled out' (an abominable piece of mod speak guaranteed to provoke instant hostility in itself) across Europe by 2018.

Not for me it won"t. For sure I"d be fifth in line when that bloody message about shutting down because I"ve performed an illegal act flashes up, or all my microchips would freeze just when the rest of the convoy"s heading off down the slip road.

And lest you think such paranoia is all in the mind, get this quote from Tom Robinson, of Ricardo UK, a technology firm involved in the project: 'One of our goals is to use as many existing sensing systems and components as possible.'

See? Secondhand bits, and loads of them. All capable of doing whatever computers do.

- HOWEVER, when it does roll out there will certainly be a market in one part of Tilehurst.

The journey to work takes me along Overdown Road (30mph limit, speed cameras, lots of kids walking or cycling to school, parked cars belonging to commuters too tight to use the Tilehurst Station pay-and-display) and nine mornings out of 10 I find the rear view mirror filled by a fellow motorist hunched impatiently over the steering wheel.

Without any help from a Volvo microchip, they contrive with almost mathematical precision to drive three feet off my rear bumper. Perhaps by coincidence the culprits are invariably women; mumsy types who"d sign a road safety petition at the drop of a knocked-down child.

Mind you, the one on Monday had an excuse. She was on the phone.

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